Hello Again

So here we are...

I figured I would start to blog again seeing as how we will be moving forward with another IVF come August. I really haven't felt the need to blog about our journey since we haven't done anything for almost a year. Actually August will be one year since our last IVF and we all know how that ended. Over the last few months I've been on the fence about IVF. I have inner turmoil about it to be honest. I want to do it, I don't, I do, I don't. It sometimes feels like a never ending battle between my head and heart. I feel I'm in a better place now then I was a year ago. I feel like so many things have changed. I've lost 30 pounds, I have a great job, Dan and I's marriage is better than it has ever been, and the biggest one of all is we switched doctors.

I feel that my new doctor can get me what I want, I know that sounds kind of I don't know weird to phrase it that way but I'm looking at getting pregnant as a business. They are selling a service that I am buying so my attitude now is "it's nothing personal it's business." That's what I told my old doctor when I informed him I was leaving his practice. I needed to get a second opinion, if I didn't I would have just sat there and wondered "what if" I hate what ifs. I didn't want to go through another cycle with my old RE and wonder if someone else could have done something different and then God forbid it didn't work I would have kicked myself in the ass for not seeing someone new. The new place is far from our house (about 40 minutes) but you have to do what you have to do. I think I can deal with getting up an hour earlier if the end result is a beautiful baby.

I am also going to try new methods of relaxing, I've purchased some meditation cd's that are geared towards IVF, I've also cut out all the drama in my life. I let go of a lot of feelings that were bringing me down about past friendships, relationships and just bad feelings in general. I'm really going to try to be as positive as I can about this new cycle. I figure new me, new doctor, new attitude.

Dan and I are also taking a vacation. Next week we will be in sunny Mexico for five lovely days. Our anniversary is next Wednesday and we both wanted to get away and relax so we are headed back to Mexico. I really couldn't be happier with where we are right now as a couple. We talked about going through IVF again and I said to him that he needs to be apart of the cycle 100%. Last cycle, I will admit it was all me. I was going to the doctor myself, doing the shots myself (not that I would want him to give them to me anyway) but you get my point. I felt that I was going through it alone and that was a really shitty feeling. This time around I know he will be there 150%, does he get how it feels to go through what I go through, no. He does however understand now how emotionally taxing it is on me. That if I'm in a bad/sad/happy/angry/loving mood it really all depends on the medicine and how I'm feeling on that day.

I feel that this cycle will be...dare I say it. The cycle.

I feel it, I feel it deep down. I feel that I've "paid my dues" and now it's my turn.

It's been so long

I can't believe that I haven't posted anything in over two months. I guess life just gets in the way sometimes, but isn't that always the case?

So here's my update. Still not pregnant (no shocker there), work is going fantastic I'm really happy to be working for such a great company and I have also met some pretty awesome people that I'm happy to call them my friends, The hubby is fantastic as well (Today is his 30th birthday!) he actually just ran his first full marathon all 26.2 miles of it, I really couldn't be more proud of him. The puppy is good, she's still crazy as ever but I really don't expect anything less from her lol.

Probably the biggest update I have is that I've lost 20 pounds since January. I'm so ridiculously proud of myself I can't even stand it lol. I've been on Nutrisystem and I love it. The food is actually really good, I thought I was going to hate it but it's not bad at all. Don't get me wrong there are days when I want nothing but French fries and pizza but I know in the end it won't do me any good to go back to eating that way.

As far as the whole pregnant thing we are still on a break. It's a welcomed break to be honest, I feel like I'm myself again. There are times that of course I wish things were different or I get angry or sad but it's to be expected. Right now we are discussing going to another doctor for our next IVF which I'm completely fine with. The problem is the new doctor is 40 minutes from our house. So that means we would have to drive 40 mins there, 40 mins back to our house and work is an additional hour from there. So a lot of driving and a very long day. In the end you have to do what you have to do. Also, if we switched we'd have to wait until December to start again so that we have all of our personal time from work available. I guess for me it's the whole waiting until December. The last time we did an IVF cycle was August so we'd be waiting over a year to do it again.

The whole thing makes me feel so overwhelmed to be honest. I wish things were easier for us, I wish I was able to get pregnant on my own and not have to worry about all of this but unfortunately it's not in my cards. The only thing I can do is take it one dat at a time and hope for the best.

New Year, New Me

So 2010 wasn't a bad year but it wasn't a great year. I feel that 2011 so far has been pretty good to me. I got a new job, I started Nutrisystem and I got an awesome new camera.

We are taking some time off from fertility treatments only because...well, I need a break. I need a break to feel like myself again, to remember the things I love and to explore new things in life. I recently just got a new camera (Nikon D3100) and I'm completely in love with it. I've always loved photography but since getting the camera my love has grown ten fold. I find that I always want to carry my camera with me or I'm spending hours upon hours searching things on the internet trying to learn as much as possible. I've even signed up for a photography class which I'm really excited about. I really think 2011 will be a fantastic year.

It's The Small Things

I don't think I've ever been so happy to get my period as I was yesterday. The last time I got my period was on November 1st after taking Provera for ten days. I was really starting to worry about not getting it again that I went to my RE and had them do some blood work on me. Come to find out that I ovulated on my own and that I should be expecting a period at any moment so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up yesterday and I had cramps. I ran into the bathroom and yup it start. I was so happy that I went to find Dan and do a little happy dance about it.

Now normally this isn't a huge deal to people but to someone who for the last four months has only had two periods that's pretty awesome. I think I can finally say that my body is hopefully getting back to normal.

I'm A Working Gal

So I started working this past Wednesday and I have to admit that it feels really good. I didn't realize how much I actually missed working (go figure right) but it's the truth. Everyone is so nice and friendly, it feels good to actually work for a company that cares about their employees and is professional. The last place I worked at was a complete joke, I was completely ecstatic when I walked into work on Friday and found out that I have the best supervisor. It's really just a breath of fresh air to be honest.

Unfortunately, in the midst of all that was going on we got some bad news that Dan's aunt had passed away very suddenly on Monday. We went down to be with his family yesterday and my heart really does go out to his cousin. He's 23, no brothers or sisters, in law school, father is MIA and now his mom passed away. I know if that was myself and my mom passed away there would be no counseling me. I will continue to keep them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope that his cousin somehow finds peace.

Today is Christmas decorating day! It's actually the best day of the year besides actual Christmas. I love to decorate for the holiday, put up the lights and tress. The house just feels warmer when we have the Christmas stuff up. I'm not looking forward to standing outside with Dan in 30 degree weather helping him hang lights but I'm a good wife and I don't want him to have to do it all by himself lol. Maybe I will even make some cookies or brownies after dinner tonight.

I will post pics once we have everything up!

It's Been A While.

I just haven't felt the need to write about what's going on. I felt like everything was at a standstill until my period arrived and arrived it did. After 62 days of not having it the Provera did what it was suppose to do and it jumped started my cycle.


Unfortunately, we are holding off with our third IVF until April. The reason for the delay is that I found a job! Finally, after a year of looking for work I will be working with Dan. Well not with him just for the same company. I don't think I could work all day with him, have lunch with him and then come home with him. I'd probably be pulling my hair out a month into working. While I'm crazy happy that I found a job it's bittersweet for me. On the one hand it will take a huge load off of our shoulders money wise but I'm still upset we have to put IVF on hold.

We currently are trying on our own using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and it's a breeze to use. No guessing, no nothing. It's so crazy but I feel like us having a child is so far away. Like it's an almost unobtainable goal. That no matter what we do it either doesn't happen or something happens where we have to put it on hold. After a while it gets to you especially when I know people who are on their second or third kid while I'm still struggling to have one. I wish it was easy for us, I wish we were the kind of people where I could look at an ovulation calendar have sex a few days and then be pregnant but those aren't my cards. I wasn't dealt the easy cards so I'm just trying to play the hand I have to the best of my ability. At times yea my cards are pretty fucking sweet, don't get it twisted. I sometimes look at my friends or family who have kids and think: yea I don't have to get up at 6am, or yes I can spend four hundred dollars on a pair of sunglasses because it's Tuesday. But also that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up in a millisecond if I did become pregnant.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water with it, at times I'm ok with not having kids living in my own bubble (it's nice here and there's chocolate) and other times it's hard, it feels like a hand is around my throat squeezing to the point where I can't breath and I'm fighting for all the air I possibly can get but all I'm doing is fighting.


When do you stop fighting?

That's the question that seems to be running through my mind. When is enough, enough? When do you say that you've put your body through enough and move forward with the next step whatever that might be? I can't see myself not having kids but is it also the kinda thing where you want something but it doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get it?

As of now we are going to continue to try on our own and go forward with IVF in April and see where that takes us.


I wish this kinda thing came with an instructional manual.

55 Days And Still No Period

Yup....

This is my life. Went into the doctor because I still haven't had a period since my last cycle. He put me on Provera in order to jump start my period in order to get on with the next cycle.

I can't believe I will be doing another IVF cycle. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have that this cycle is the one.