New Year, New Me

So 2010 wasn't a bad year but it wasn't a great year. I feel that 2011 so far has been pretty good to me. I got a new job, I started Nutrisystem and I got an awesome new camera.

We are taking some time off from fertility treatments only because...well, I need a break. I need a break to feel like myself again, to remember the things I love and to explore new things in life. I recently just got a new camera (Nikon D3100) and I'm completely in love with it. I've always loved photography but since getting the camera my love has grown ten fold. I find that I always want to carry my camera with me or I'm spending hours upon hours searching things on the internet trying to learn as much as possible. I've even signed up for a photography class which I'm really excited about. I really think 2011 will be a fantastic year.

It's The Small Things

I don't think I've ever been so happy to get my period as I was yesterday. The last time I got my period was on November 1st after taking Provera for ten days. I was really starting to worry about not getting it again that I went to my RE and had them do some blood work on me. Come to find out that I ovulated on my own and that I should be expecting a period at any moment so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up yesterday and I had cramps. I ran into the bathroom and yup it start. I was so happy that I went to find Dan and do a little happy dance about it.

Now normally this isn't a huge deal to people but to someone who for the last four months has only had two periods that's pretty awesome. I think I can finally say that my body is hopefully getting back to normal.

I'm A Working Gal

So I started working this past Wednesday and I have to admit that it feels really good. I didn't realize how much I actually missed working (go figure right) but it's the truth. Everyone is so nice and friendly, it feels good to actually work for a company that cares about their employees and is professional. The last place I worked at was a complete joke, I was completely ecstatic when I walked into work on Friday and found out that I have the best supervisor. It's really just a breath of fresh air to be honest.

Unfortunately, in the midst of all that was going on we got some bad news that Dan's aunt had passed away very suddenly on Monday. We went down to be with his family yesterday and my heart really does go out to his cousin. He's 23, no brothers or sisters, in law school, father is MIA and now his mom passed away. I know if that was myself and my mom passed away there would be no counseling me. I will continue to keep them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope that his cousin somehow finds peace.

Today is Christmas decorating day! It's actually the best day of the year besides actual Christmas. I love to decorate for the holiday, put up the lights and tress. The house just feels warmer when we have the Christmas stuff up. I'm not looking forward to standing outside with Dan in 30 degree weather helping him hang lights but I'm a good wife and I don't want him to have to do it all by himself lol. Maybe I will even make some cookies or brownies after dinner tonight.

I will post pics once we have everything up!

It's Been A While.

I just haven't felt the need to write about what's going on. I felt like everything was at a standstill until my period arrived and arrived it did. After 62 days of not having it the Provera did what it was suppose to do and it jumped started my cycle.


Unfortunately, we are holding off with our third IVF until April. The reason for the delay is that I found a job! Finally, after a year of looking for work I will be working with Dan. Well not with him just for the same company. I don't think I could work all day with him, have lunch with him and then come home with him. I'd probably be pulling my hair out a month into working. While I'm crazy happy that I found a job it's bittersweet for me. On the one hand it will take a huge load off of our shoulders money wise but I'm still upset we have to put IVF on hold.

We currently are trying on our own using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and it's a breeze to use. No guessing, no nothing. It's so crazy but I feel like us having a child is so far away. Like it's an almost unobtainable goal. That no matter what we do it either doesn't happen or something happens where we have to put it on hold. After a while it gets to you especially when I know people who are on their second or third kid while I'm still struggling to have one. I wish it was easy for us, I wish we were the kind of people where I could look at an ovulation calendar have sex a few days and then be pregnant but those aren't my cards. I wasn't dealt the easy cards so I'm just trying to play the hand I have to the best of my ability. At times yea my cards are pretty fucking sweet, don't get it twisted. I sometimes look at my friends or family who have kids and think: yea I don't have to get up at 6am, or yes I can spend four hundred dollars on a pair of sunglasses because it's Tuesday. But also that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up in a millisecond if I did become pregnant.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water with it, at times I'm ok with not having kids living in my own bubble (it's nice here and there's chocolate) and other times it's hard, it feels like a hand is around my throat squeezing to the point where I can't breath and I'm fighting for all the air I possibly can get but all I'm doing is fighting.


When do you stop fighting?

That's the question that seems to be running through my mind. When is enough, enough? When do you say that you've put your body through enough and move forward with the next step whatever that might be? I can't see myself not having kids but is it also the kinda thing where you want something but it doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get it?

As of now we are going to continue to try on our own and go forward with IVF in April and see where that takes us.


I wish this kinda thing came with an instructional manual.

55 Days And Still No Period

Yup....

This is my life. Went into the doctor because I still haven't had a period since my last cycle. He put me on Provera in order to jump start my period in order to get on with the next cycle.

I can't believe I will be doing another IVF cycle. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have that this cycle is the one.

Back From Vacation & A Reality Check

Vacation was great, we had great weather and a great time. I really couldn't have asked for a more perfect week away with Dan and Bella.

I came back and I was feeling great! I got a new haircut which I love, I was in a good mental state and I actually forgot about infertility until I stepped into my doctors office for my WTF appointment. I felt like I got slapped back into reality real quick. My doctor walks into the room and the first thing he says is "I'm so depressed over your cycle" *insert blank stare here* I then replied "join the fucking club."

He said my last cycle was perfect, I had great blasts and that there is really no reason why it didn't work. I just don't know what to say about that to be honest. He suggested trying yoga or acupuncture, I have no problem with doing yoga but I know acupuncture is not covered by my insurance and it can get pretty expensive. I'm going to call this one place my doctor suggested tomorrow and I will see what he has to say. If it's too much money sorry doc but I'm not doing it.

I feel really frustrated about this whole thing really. To not have answers as to why it's not working, to be told that I had a "text book" perfect cycle but he doesn't know why it didn't work it makes you question if you're really suppose to be a mother. What do I do from here? We are going to try again but I only have this cycle and another one before it's over. What happens if it doesn't work? Do we go on and live without kids? Yes we would adopt but seriously who has 30 g's just laying around doing nothing with? not myself.

I guess I can only take it one day at a time and see what happens.

What If I Was A Paraplegic Instead Of Infertile?

So, what do you think people would say if I told them I was paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralysed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralysed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralysed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.