Sunday, November 14, 2010

It's Been A While.

I just haven't felt the need to write about what's going on. I felt like everything was at a standstill until my period arrived and arrived it did. After 62 days of not having it the Provera did what it was suppose to do and it jumped started my cycle.

Unfortunately, we are holding off with our third IVF until April. The reason for the delay is that I found a job! Finally, after a year of looking for work I will be working with Dan. Well not with him just for the same company. I don't think I could work all day with him, have lunch with him and then come home with him. I'd probably be pulling my hair out a month into working. While I'm crazy happy that I found a job it's bittersweet for me. On the one hand it will take a huge load off of our shoulders money wise but I'm still upset we have to put IVF on hold.

We currently are trying on our own using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and it's a breeze to use. No guessing, no nothing. It's so crazy but I feel like us having a child is so far away. Like it's an almost unobtainable goal. That no matter what we do it either doesn't happen or something happens where we have to put it on hold. After a while it gets to you especially when I know people who are on their second or third kid while I'm still struggling to have one. I wish it was easy for us, I wish we were the kind of people where I could look at an ovulation calendar have sex a few days and then be pregnant but those aren't my cards. I wasn't dealt the easy cards so I'm just trying to play the hand I have to the best of my ability. At times yea my cards are pretty fucking sweet, don't get it twisted. I sometimes look at my friends or family who have kids and think: yea I don't have to get up at 6am, or yes I can spend four hundred dollars on a pair of sunglasses because it's Tuesday. But also that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up in a millisecond if I did become pregnant.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water with it, at times I'm ok with not having kids living in my own bubble (it's nice here and there's chocolate) and other times it's hard, it feels like a hand is around my throat squeezing to the point where I can't breath and I'm fighting for all the air I possibly can get but all I'm doing is fighting.

When do you stop fighting?

That's the question that seems to be running through my mind. When is enough, enough? When do you say that you've put your body through enough and move forward with the next step whatever that might be? I can't see myself not having kids but is it also the kinda thing where you want something but it doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get it?

As of now we are going to continue to try on our own and go forward with IVF in April and see where that takes us.

I wish this kinda thing came with an instructional manual.

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