Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Back From Vacation & A Reality Check

Vacation was great, we had great weather and a great time. I really couldn't have asked for a more perfect week away with Dan and Bella.

I came back and I was feeling great! I got a new haircut which I love, I was in a good mental state and I actually forgot about infertility until I stepped into my doctors office for my WTF appointment. I felt like I got slapped back into reality real quick. My doctor walks into the room and the first thing he says is "I'm so depressed over your cycle" *insert blank stare here* I then replied "join the fucking club."

He said my last cycle was perfect, I had great blasts and that there is really no reason why it didn't work. I just don't know what to say about that to be honest. He suggested trying yoga or acupuncture, I have no problem with doing yoga but I know acupuncture is not covered by my insurance and it can get pretty expensive. I'm going to call this one place my doctor suggested tomorrow and I will see what he has to say. If it's too much money sorry doc but I'm not doing it.

I feel really frustrated about this whole thing really. To not have answers as to why it's not working, to be told that I had a "text book" perfect cycle but he doesn't know why it didn't work it makes you question if you're really suppose to be a mother. What do I do from here? We are going to try again but I only have this cycle and another one before it's over. What happens if it doesn't work? Do we go on and live without kids? Yes we would adopt but seriously who has 30 g's just laying around doing nothing with? not myself.

I guess I can only take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What If I Was A Paraplegic Instead Of Infertile?

So, what do you think people would say if I told them I was paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralysed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralysed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralysed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Vacation Countdown

We are going away in 9 days!

I can not wait to just go and get away from it all. We are heading down to The Outerbanks next Sunday with my bff her husband and their daughter. My vacation plans have changed so much over the last year that I'm glad we finally decided on going here. We rented a house a few blocks from the beach and it's going to be so relaxing.

The house is awesome. It's five bedrooms, game room, hot tub, private pool and like I said right near the beach. Here are some pictures of the house:







I can not even wait!

We are bringing Bella with us so this will be her first vacation. I'm nervous to see how she does with that eight hour car ride. I'm sure she will be fine ,we plan on making a few stops here and there so we will let her so she can do her business and we can stretch our legs.

It's going to be a great week!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

What My Life Would Be Childless

I have imagined what my life would be like if I had no children. To go through the rest of my life without ever being pregnant, ever being a mother, living alone with only my husband. I love my husband very much but if it was only going to be the two of us for the next 40 years, I might just cry right now. Let me paint you a picture of what my life would be like without kids.

Starring Me and My Husband

It is a Saturday morning, me and my 40 year old husband are sleeping late because we went to an all night club and we are both very hungover. All our other friends left the bar by 10pm to get home for the babysitter but not the two of us! We ordered more tequila shots and partied with some guy named ‘Big Billie’ until the wee hours of the morning. But it’s Saturday morning and we have nothing to do all day. I might not even take a shower all weekend! Without the cost of children, Dan and I have purchased a mansion, equipped with a maid and a Swedish pool boy named Sven. Dan has purchased his dream convertible and I quit my job with my extra wealth. During the weekdays, we both eat potato chips and cupcakes for dinner and drink 5-10 cups of coffee a day. Tuesday evenings are a big night for us both, starting with our 7pm knitting club, followed by a TV marathon of ‘Deal or No Deal.’ Our friends might invite us over for dinner and they brag about their children’s new jobs or weddings. Dan and I smile politely and dream about our upcoming vacation to Paris. We are known in our circle of friends as the couple who decided never to have children. I never correct people or tell them the truth. I just eat extra dessert because, out of all my friends, I still look amazing in a bathing suit and have zero stretch marks. As I age, I enjoy my remaining years in a luxury retirement village off the coast of Mexico while my other friends live in their grown children’s basements. I leave everything in my will to my local library. The library dedicates the infertility book section in our names. And that is our legacy.

See. Being childless doesn’t sound so bad…. Right?....Wrong

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Bitter Is The New Black

Lately the word bitter fits me perfectly. I try to smile and suck it up but sometimes the bitterness just starts to bubble over. Sometimes I just want to scream " Hey fertile count your fucking blessings that you don't have to put up with half the shit I do." Speaking of which, I've started to refer to people as fertiles. Fucked up? maybe. Do I care? not at all.

The thing is, anyone who hasn't dealt with infertility has no clue what it's like to walk a mile in my shoes. I wish they would, maybe then they'd shut the fuck up about their pregnancies, or how I should relax, or how maybe I'm not doing it right. That's right lady I don't know how how to have sex, why don't you tell me or better yet draw me a picture of how it's done because clearly I'm getting it wrong somewhere.

I feel like I'm apart of the infertility lotto. Every month all of the women I know who are going through infertility go through the same thing. Blood work, ultrasounds and meds. During that time you get to know how many eggs are going to be retrieved or released and the number that they give you 10 eggs, 17, 6, or whatever. That's your lottery number and every month we hold our breath and pray that our number gets called. Some are lucky, others like myself are not. The women who aren't so lucky are left putting back together our broken hearts and spirits. Tell me how that's fair? because in my eyes it's not.

We all deserve to be mothers. Every last one of us.

What The Fuck Appointment

I have one next Tuesday. Basically you go in and just talk about your last cycle and what your next plan of action is. At this point I'm so bitter that I just don't care what my doctor has to say. It makes me nervous because we only are allowed four IVFs for our lifetime and well we are already working on #3. Dan and I have talked about adopting and we are open to it but it's crazy expensive. Costs are around 25-30k, not something we have hanging out in our bank account. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

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