It's The Small Things

I don't think I've ever been so happy to get my period as I was yesterday. The last time I got my period was on November 1st after taking Provera for ten days. I was really starting to worry about not getting it again that I went to my RE and had them do some blood work on me. Come to find out that I ovulated on my own and that I should be expecting a period at any moment so you can imagine my surprise when I woke up yesterday and I had cramps. I ran into the bathroom and yup it start. I was so happy that I went to find Dan and do a little happy dance about it.

Now normally this isn't a huge deal to people but to someone who for the last four months has only had two periods that's pretty awesome. I think I can finally say that my body is hopefully getting back to normal.

I'm A Working Gal

So I started working this past Wednesday and I have to admit that it feels really good. I didn't realize how much I actually missed working (go figure right) but it's the truth. Everyone is so nice and friendly, it feels good to actually work for a company that cares about their employees and is professional. The last place I worked at was a complete joke, I was completely ecstatic when I walked into work on Friday and found out that I have the best supervisor. It's really just a breath of fresh air to be honest.

Unfortunately, in the midst of all that was going on we got some bad news that Dan's aunt had passed away very suddenly on Monday. We went down to be with his family yesterday and my heart really does go out to his cousin. He's 23, no brothers or sisters, in law school, father is MIA and now his mom passed away. I know if that was myself and my mom passed away there would be no counseling me. I will continue to keep them all in my thoughts and prayers and hope that his cousin somehow finds peace.

Today is Christmas decorating day! It's actually the best day of the year besides actual Christmas. I love to decorate for the holiday, put up the lights and tress. The house just feels warmer when we have the Christmas stuff up. I'm not looking forward to standing outside with Dan in 30 degree weather helping him hang lights but I'm a good wife and I don't want him to have to do it all by himself lol. Maybe I will even make some cookies or brownies after dinner tonight.

I will post pics once we have everything up!

It's Been A While.

I just haven't felt the need to write about what's going on. I felt like everything was at a standstill until my period arrived and arrived it did. After 62 days of not having it the Provera did what it was suppose to do and it jumped started my cycle.


Unfortunately, we are holding off with our third IVF until April. The reason for the delay is that I found a job! Finally, after a year of looking for work I will be working with Dan. Well not with him just for the same company. I don't think I could work all day with him, have lunch with him and then come home with him. I'd probably be pulling my hair out a month into working. While I'm crazy happy that I found a job it's bittersweet for me. On the one hand it will take a huge load off of our shoulders money wise but I'm still upset we have to put IVF on hold.

We currently are trying on our own using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and it's a breeze to use. No guessing, no nothing. It's so crazy but I feel like us having a child is so far away. Like it's an almost unobtainable goal. That no matter what we do it either doesn't happen or something happens where we have to put it on hold. After a while it gets to you especially when I know people who are on their second or third kid while I'm still struggling to have one. I wish it was easy for us, I wish we were the kind of people where I could look at an ovulation calendar have sex a few days and then be pregnant but those aren't my cards. I wasn't dealt the easy cards so I'm just trying to play the hand I have to the best of my ability. At times yea my cards are pretty fucking sweet, don't get it twisted. I sometimes look at my friends or family who have kids and think: yea I don't have to get up at 6am, or yes I can spend four hundred dollars on a pair of sunglasses because it's Tuesday. But also that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up in a millisecond if I did become pregnant.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water with it, at times I'm ok with not having kids living in my own bubble (it's nice here and there's chocolate) and other times it's hard, it feels like a hand is around my throat squeezing to the point where I can't breath and I'm fighting for all the air I possibly can get but all I'm doing is fighting.


When do you stop fighting?

That's the question that seems to be running through my mind. When is enough, enough? When do you say that you've put your body through enough and move forward with the next step whatever that might be? I can't see myself not having kids but is it also the kinda thing where you want something but it doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get it?

As of now we are going to continue to try on our own and go forward with IVF in April and see where that takes us.


I wish this kinda thing came with an instructional manual.

55 Days And Still No Period

Yup....

This is my life. Went into the doctor because I still haven't had a period since my last cycle. He put me on Provera in order to jump start my period in order to get on with the next cycle.

I can't believe I will be doing another IVF cycle. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have that this cycle is the one.

Back From Vacation & A Reality Check

Vacation was great, we had great weather and a great time. I really couldn't have asked for a more perfect week away with Dan and Bella.

I came back and I was feeling great! I got a new haircut which I love, I was in a good mental state and I actually forgot about infertility until I stepped into my doctors office for my WTF appointment. I felt like I got slapped back into reality real quick. My doctor walks into the room and the first thing he says is "I'm so depressed over your cycle" *insert blank stare here* I then replied "join the fucking club."

He said my last cycle was perfect, I had great blasts and that there is really no reason why it didn't work. I just don't know what to say about that to be honest. He suggested trying yoga or acupuncture, I have no problem with doing yoga but I know acupuncture is not covered by my insurance and it can get pretty expensive. I'm going to call this one place my doctor suggested tomorrow and I will see what he has to say. If it's too much money sorry doc but I'm not doing it.

I feel really frustrated about this whole thing really. To not have answers as to why it's not working, to be told that I had a "text book" perfect cycle but he doesn't know why it didn't work it makes you question if you're really suppose to be a mother. What do I do from here? We are going to try again but I only have this cycle and another one before it's over. What happens if it doesn't work? Do we go on and live without kids? Yes we would adopt but seriously who has 30 g's just laying around doing nothing with? not myself.

I guess I can only take it one day at a time and see what happens.

What If I Was A Paraplegic Instead Of Infertile?

So, what do you think people would say if I told them I was paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralysed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralysed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralysed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

Vacation Countdown

We are going away in 9 days!

I can not wait to just go and get away from it all. We are heading down to The Outerbanks next Sunday with my bff her husband and their daughter. My vacation plans have changed so much over the last year that I'm glad we finally decided on going here. We rented a house a few blocks from the beach and it's going to be so relaxing.

The house is awesome. It's five bedrooms, game room, hot tub, private pool and like I said right near the beach. Here are some pictures of the house:













I can not even wait!

We are bringing Bella with us so this will be her first vacation. I'm nervous to see how she does with that eight hour car ride. I'm sure she will be fine ,we plan on making a few stops here and there so we will let her so she can do her business and we can stretch our legs.

It's going to be a great week!

What My Life Would Be Childless

I have imagined what my life would be like if I had no children. To go through the rest of my life without ever being pregnant, ever being a mother, living alone with only my husband. I love my husband very much but if it was only going to be the two of us for the next 40 years, I might just cry right now. Let me paint you a picture of what my life would be like without kids.

MY LIFE WITHOUT CHILDREN
Starring Me and My Husband

It is a Saturday morning, me and my 40 year old husband are sleeping late because we went to an all night club and we are both very hungover. All our other friends left the bar by 10pm to get home for the babysitter but not the two of us! We ordered more tequila shots and partied with some guy named ‘Big Billie’ until the wee hours of the morning. But it’s Saturday morning and we have nothing to do all day. I might not even take a shower all weekend! Without the cost of children, Dan and I have purchased a mansion, equipped with a maid and a Swedish pool boy named Sven. Dan has purchased his dream convertible and I quit my job with my extra wealth. During the weekdays, we both eat potato chips and cupcakes for dinner and drink 5-10 cups of coffee a day. Tuesday evenings are a big night for us both, starting with our 7pm knitting club, followed by a TV marathon of ‘Deal or No Deal.’ Our friends might invite us over for dinner and they brag about their children’s new jobs or weddings. Dan and I smile politely and dream about our upcoming vacation to Paris. We are known in our circle of friends as the couple who decided never to have children. I never correct people or tell them the truth. I just eat extra dessert because, out of all my friends, I still look amazing in a bathing suit and have zero stretch marks. As I age, I enjoy my remaining years in a luxury retirement village off the coast of Mexico while my other friends live in their grown children’s basements. I leave everything in my will to my local library. The library dedicates the infertility book section in our names. And that is our legacy.

See. Being childless doesn’t sound so bad…. Right?....Wrong

Bitter Is The New Black

Lately the word bitter fits me perfectly. I try to smile and suck it up but sometimes the bitterness just starts to bubble over. Sometimes I just want to scream " Hey fertile count your fucking blessings that you don't have to put up with half the shit I do." Speaking of which, I've started to refer to people as fertiles. Fucked up? maybe. Do I care? not at all.

The thing is, anyone who hasn't dealt with infertility has no clue what it's like to walk a mile in my shoes. I wish they would, maybe then they'd shut the fuck up about their pregnancies, or how I should relax, or how maybe I'm not doing it right. That's right lady I don't know how how to have sex, why don't you tell me or better yet draw me a picture of how it's done because clearly I'm getting it wrong somewhere.

I feel like I'm apart of the infertility lotto. Every month all of the women I know who are going through infertility go through the same thing. Blood work, ultrasounds and meds. During that time you get to know how many eggs are going to be retrieved or released and the number that they give you 10 eggs, 17, 6, or whatever. That's your lottery number and every month we hold our breath and pray that our number gets called. Some are lucky, others like myself are not. The women who aren't so lucky are left putting back together our broken hearts and spirits. Tell me how that's fair? because in my eyes it's not.

We all deserve to be mothers. Every last one of us.

What The Fuck Appointment

I have one next Tuesday. Basically you go in and just talk about your last cycle and what your next plan of action is. At this point I'm so bitter that I just don't care what my doctor has to say. It makes me nervous because we only are allowed four IVFs for our lifetime and well we are already working on #3. Dan and I have talked about adopting and we are open to it but it's crazy expensive. Costs are around 25-30k, not something we have hanging out in our bank account. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Mother Nature

Dear Fertility God, Regular God, Mother Nature, or To Whom It May Concern (including Oprah),

I understand that you’re busy. You have large responsibilities and a lot of things going on right now. I understand if you’re working on the oil spill, curing diseases and figuring who will take over for Oprah Winfrey after she leaves the network. I get it. You’re busy. But listen. There are a lot of us out there who really want to be mothers and we know we would make very good parents. We have gotten a taste of infertility (and it tastes awful) but we are ready to move forward to a pregnancy and a baby. We know that infertility has made us stronger and more sensitive, and we promise that we will cherish our babies every single day and give hope to others struggling with infertility.

But serious, Fertility God/Mother Nature, infertility is making us weird. We spend too many hours staring at the toilet paper, charting our basal temperature, googling our fake pregnancy symptoms and crying at baby showers. We use words like “ovulation” and "cervical mucus" like they are apart of normal conversation. Infertility is truly making us weird and we aren’t weird people. Just pointing out that it doesn’t serve society well when people are weird.

Mother Nature, from one mother to another, you know a lot about fertilization and we could really use that knowledge right about now. Next time, you fertilize something, consider throwing a little soil our way. Thank you for your consideration.

Yours Truly,

An Infertile

Beta = A Big Fat Fuck You

Negative.

Beta Tomorrow

I don't know how I feel about this to be honest with you. I'm so use to either seeing or hearing that I'm not pregnant that I have already convinced myself that this cycle didn't work. Dan said I'm willing the babies away lol. I can't believe that I haven't taken a test by now but I don't know I just rather wait until my beta and see what it says. I'm trying to stay positive but it's just damn hard. What I do know is that if it doesn't work we will just pick up the pieces and start all over again. I will most likely take a break and cycle again in November since we are going away next month and we have a wedding and a party in October.

I don't even know what else to say because after a while you kind of get numb to the situation. "Oh I'm not pregnant Oh Ok" that's how I've been since we started this process so long ago. I want nothing more than for this cycle to be different, to finally be able to say that yes I am pregnant. I guess only tomorrow will tell.

5 Day Transfer Here I Come!!!!

I can not believe that we are getting pushed back to a five day. I got the call this morning that out of the nine embryos we currently have five have made it to the eight cell stage. I seriously can not believe that we are getting pushed back. I go Wednesday at 9:45 to see how many we are going to put back in but right now we are thinking two.

Egg Retrieval Was Nothing

So I had my egg retrieval yesterday and it's just getting easier and easier. Don't get me wrong it still freaks me out to get put to sleep but I tell you it's the best sleep I get. Right before I went off to la la land the nurses, my doctor, and a resident were talking about the show Jersey Shore and right as I was about to say something I was out. The only thing I remember is waking up and thinking I was either watching the show or in the show but either way it was pretty funny.

So in my haze my nurse tells me they retrieved 12 eggs. I was beyond excited to say the least, I really thought I wouldn't have got that many but when she told me I was thrilled. So after I start to come out of it more the nurse brings Dan back into the room to hang out with me while I'm fully awake. I lay there for about ten minutes and then I'm ready to get up get dressed and use the ladies room. After I use the restroom we are ready to go home, I couldn't wait to get in my bed and just relax. We get home about 1ish and I make the round of call mom, bff, cousins. Dan brings me some lunch and I take a nice nap for about two hours or so.

The rest of the night was uneventful, we just hung out watched some tv and I headed to bed early. Woke up this morning crazy early fearing that I would miss the call from my doctors office telling me how many of my eggs fertilized. I got the call around 10:15 that 9 out of 12 eggs fertilized. I couldn't believe it when she told me. I love me some goods but this, this is fantastic news. Right now the date for my transfer is Monday but she seems to think I could be pushed back until Wednesday. Either way I'm so happy with the results of this cycle. Now all I would need is to get that call telling me I'm pregnant and life would be grand but I won't know that until the 27th.

Here's to hoping this is our cycle.

We Are Ready To Stim!

I just got the call from my nurse that my blood work came back perfectly. I'm ready to start shooting up! I go back to the doctor on Friday to check to see how I'm doing. Will update on Friday when I get back from the doctor.

Ultrasound and Blood Work Tomorrow

So I'm going in tomorrow for my routine blood work and ultrasound. Nothing crazy exciting, they just check to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries and do some blood work. Then the fun stuff start, I start all the stimulation medicine. Woohoo gotta stock up on the gatorade now (gatorade helps you to not develop ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome)

I'm also going to ask if they received any word about my biopsy. Hopefully everything in fine in that department. I'm sure if things weren't on the up and up I would have received a call by now.

Endometrial Biopsy

So I had the biopsy done today and to be honest it hurt. Badly.

It was the worst feeling ever. The biopsy lasted all of five minutes but it was the worst five minutes. I could literally feel my doctor scraping my uterus. I asked him what he was looking for and he basically just said he was looking to see how my lining was at this point in my cycle. I guess we will see what he finds. I had to take my first Lupron shot today and then I also have to take my first Metformin pill tonight. I've heard mixed reviews about Met, some say you get stomach issues other are fine with it so we shall see.

I feel so much more prepared this time around. I feel like I know what to expect with each step and that makes me feel at ease. Now I have to wait for my lovely period to show up so we can start the stimulation meds.

Are we having fun yet?!

Just An Update

I'm still taking the birth control pills and things are moving slowly for right now. I go on the 26th for the biopsy which I've heard mixed reviews about. Some have said it doesn't hurt others it does. I guess I will find out when I go on Monday. As of right now that's all I got going on. I will post more once I go for the biopsy.

IVF#2 Is Going To Be This Month!

To be honest, I didn't think we'd be able to pull it off. With us being very tight on cash I didn't see it happening anytime soon. We thought maybe October but couldn't nail down an exact month. Dan and I sat down last night and talked it over and cut some corners and came to the conclusion that we would be able to pull it off for this month. Needless to say I was extremely grateful and beyond excited. I called my doctor this morning and the plan is set in motion. I have to take birth control pills from now until the 26th. I go to the doctors on the 26th for that biopsy that I was suppose to have done two months ago and then I will start all the drugs. The tentative date for the retrieval is August 13th.


I seriously cannot believe that we are able to do this. I feel so lucky that we were able to work all of this out. I feel more comfortable about the whole process as well. I know what to expect every step of the way from the shots to the retrieval. I have a great support system both at home and at my doctors office that I have complete faith that it will work this time. I just know it will.

I know it's been a while

I just haven't really felt like writing much. Our second IVF is on hold until August or September. Right now money is playing a huge part into taking that next step. Between co-pays and the cost for the medicine right now it's a little much. We are currently trying on our own still because hey stranger things have happened. I actually got a psychic reading from someone regarding when I will have children and this is what she had to say:

BOY - JUNE so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in

When it comes to your son, they show him as "Mr. Sports". I think that you will find him to be really athletic.
I think that he will be the type of person who is going to excel in pretty much anything that he tries. He really pushes himself hard to succeed and is always going to be the one that is good with physical fitness. I think that you are going to find him always interested in working out.

You are going to find him with his friends. He's always a social guy and just likes to hang out. He's really into video games and prefers the ones that are all actions and good graphics. You will find him knowing how to have a good time and is not the type of child that will sit off on the side lines and "cry" or "whine" about anything. If he does not like something, he is the type that will go and change it, and if it can't be changed, he either lives with it and keeps moving forward or he tries to find a way to make it better and easier for him to deal with.

He's someone who does not like gossip and would rather not talk about his "feelings." He tends to keep things like that to himself and deals with it in his own way. You might find him to bounce ideas off you and get your feedback but he is someone who is not really going to share what his decision is until he's made it up his mind and its already said and done. He is very strong willed, and has amazing determination and is not one to veer far from his path or goals.

They show him starting to work in a beer/wine type store when he gets out of high school as a way to go into college. They show him linked to working in a trades field and earns good money after he gets out of school.

When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to being like a welder.

When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 28. They will have one girl and one boy of their own.


When I first read it I was like wow, so much of that is like Dan and it's even funnier that it said June for the conceive month seeing as how we are trying on our own. If it's true I swear I will die wake up and then die again. You never know though like I said weirder shit has happened.

Getting In Shape, Italy and Waiting.

So I sat down a few days ago and had a very long talk with myself and I've come to the conclusion that I really hate being over weight. Don't get me wrong I'm not huge but I'm not happy in my body. I kept using the excuse that I might get pregnant this month, I can't start a work out routine if I'm pregnant. You get the point. It was just a downward spiral into eating whatever I wanted. It also has to do with the fact that yes I was depressed about not getting pregnant the first six IUI's or the first IVF but I do have faith that I will get pregnant the next cycle or the fourth.

My next step is to have an endometrial biopsy done ,basically they are doing that because I had a failed IVF cycle and want to check to make sure I don't have cancer or a luteal phase defect. The procedure is really easy so I'm not too worried about it. Now if the doctor would just call me back to tell me when this is going to happen.

Dan and I finally decided on where to stay while we are in Florence. We are actually going to rent an apartment while we are there for five days. I happen to come across this website while in my search and found the best prices and apartments. Below are the pictures of the room we reserved.

I love this place, it's really so beautiful. I'm really so happy I found it. The lady who I have been emailing with is also very nice as well. I'm just waiting for Dan to sign off on the contract and we are good to go.

I Love Italia!

That's right. LOVE IT. I've never been there but as of today Dan and I are saving for a trip coming November 2011. I know it's a very long time away but hello it's Italy!

I have to admit, I am the guru of Google lol. Why might you ask? Let me tell you. I found Dan and I a hotel plus airfare for six nights in Florence for a total of.......wait for it.......1675 dollars. That's right people you heard it. Just in case you didn't know that's *One THOUSAND six hundred seventy five dollars.* Now, any of you who know me know I'm not about to go to some hostel and relax for six days oh no. We are talking a four star hotel right in the center of the city, shopping, dining, art, the 17 foot David made out of marble. The whole nine. Now I know what you're thinking "What if I have a baby, what if this, what if that, who does she think she is" I get it. I totally get it. Honestly, I just don't care what people think. Italy has been a place that I've dreamt about over and over again. Dan will be running a marathon in Florence when we are there, he's actually the reason why we are even going in the first place.

Since we've talked about said trip I have been obsessed with the idea of going. "What am I going to wear, is November a good time to go, How many scoops of gelato can I have in six days." You get the point. Really my main concern is what I will be wearing. You have to understand Italy is the fashion capital of the world. Italian women look amazing without it seeming like it took a lot of effort. No sneakers, no jeans. I can deal with the no sneakers but c'mon no jeans? I know you can buy the trouser type jean which is fine. I just don't want to stick out like "the ugly american" from what I've read from a lot of travelers as well as Italian women they suggest you bring with you black pants/slacks, a good pair of walking shoes, jacket (rain, blazer), a dress, tops/t-shirts. They say to wear something fitted to your body but not tight, if you wear baggy or loose clothing you are looked down upon. When I say loose I mean to where your butt is sagging in the pants you have one. What I also find funny is that Italian women do not wear nail polish unless it's for a special occasion, that's another way for them to know you are not from there.

Just the thought of being in Italy with Dan makes me smile from ear to ear. Besides the fact it will probably be the most romantic place we've ever been it's ITALY. I don't think I can stress that enough. Let's also not forget that the Gucci outlet is there as well *insert evil smile here* from what I've read the items there are very discounted from the retail price. I can see myself now, walking away with a nice pair of Gucci loafers or a new purse. I think we may need to bring a lot of suitcases.

Italy for me has always been a place I never thought I'd be able to see but now that we've really been talking about it and saying how we need to start making an itinerary of all the things we'd like to visit it seems like it's really going to happen. There are tons of things to do in Florence the itinerary I have in my head already goes a little something like this:

Piazza San Giovanni & The Cathedral.

Ponte Vecchio

Duomo

Boboli Gardens

Uffizi Gallery

Leaning Tower of Pisca

The rest of time I'd love to just explore the city on our own. Eat at a trattoria that's tucked away on a side street. Visit Fiesole which is a town right above Florence. I want things planned but not too planned if that makes any sense. I guess I should start brushing up on my Italian.

It's Been A Long Time

I feel like I needed some time away from blogging just to get my head right, work out my emotions and move on. I feel like I'm ready to jump in the saddle again and start typing away.

Nothing much has really been going on. I had my follow up visit with my doctor on April 12th and we are going to do the same protocol and just add two-three more days of the stimulation medicine which is what I felt should have happened the first time around but what can you do. We are going to start treatments again in May or June. I wanted some time off to let my body get back to normal.

On another note, I booked a photo session with my cousin who is a FANTASTIC photographer. I'm doing the shoot with my best friend and cousin. We are going to do the shoot in Manhattan NY. I'm really excited to do now I just need something to wear.

I Feel Like There Is A Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I'm feeling much better. I allowed myself a few days to be completely and utterly miserable and now I'm ready to start this process all over again. We are actually going to take April and May off from any IVF treatments to just allow myself and my hormones to get back to normal. We will be trying on our own and who knows weirder things have happened right?

Also, another reason for the break is because we have a wedding coming up at the end of April and also Dan's birthday is in April so we will be going to Atlantic City with our friends for a few days. If we did any sort of IVF stuff we would have to work around that and to be honest I'm crazy happy I'm going to have almost two whole months without needles or any drugs.

I know that IVF will work for us, unfortunately it's just taking a little longer than expected but don't good things come to those who wait?

I'm Miserable

I'm disappointed, hurt, sad, angry. Any emotion you can think of really.

I cry at the drop of a hat, Dan doesn't really know how to deal with how I'm feeling. I can't even describe how I'm feeling to be honest, I feel like my heart is broken or you just broke up with someone or you didn't get that job/house/car you really wanted. I feel like I need a break from my life for a few days. You know it's bad when shopping doesn't even make me happy.

How do you still have faith after something like this? Or how do you stay positive when the next cycle of meds start? These are questions I've been asking everyone over the past few days and I keep getting the same answer "just don't give up, it will happen for you." I believe that, but this has really taken a toll on me.

The Journey Continues

So I'm not pregnant.

I really don't know any other way to put it.

I went this morning for my blood work and it came back negative, when my nurse called I already knew it wasn't positive because I went online and checked my lab work. What happens now is I have to wait until I get my period then I will go in and speak to my doctor about my last cycle. Go over my blood work and ultrasounds, we will then discuss what we will do next cycle to make it a successful one. Not that this cycle wasn't successful it was in terms of me responding well the medicine but that's about it.

I just found this website called "999 Reasons To Laugh At Infertility" and I came across this post called "A Letter To Your Unborn Baby" and I have to admit it completely states how I feel:

Dear Baby,

As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head. Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? What if I accidentally squirted you out into the toilet bowl? Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real. I’ve been a bad mother already – having the occasional drink and missing a Folic Acid pill or two (or three). I’m sorry I’ve turned your nursery into my beautiful walk-in closest but I had no where to put all of those shoes. Daddy really wants you to come too so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage. After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.

You are worth the wait.

With love, your parents

So that's all I have for now. I will post more in a few days

I'm Feeling Pretty Down

I gotta admit. I feel like it didn't work. People have asked why I feel this way and I guess the only thing I can say is I have no symptoms. Zero. Nada.

Now granted I technically would only be 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I'm not quite sure how many symptoms one would have at this point in time but I'd like something. When I hear about people who are pregnant it's always "I just knew it, my boobs were killing me." My boobs don't hurt at all. At times I feel hopeful about the whole process but I can't help but to listen to that small voice in the back of my head that is saying this whole thing was a bust. My blood test is on the 22nd and the only thing I can do until then is wait and try to stay positive.

Embryo Transfer

So I had my ET this morning and so far so good. We transferred three lovely embryos back into my uterus this morning. The whole procedure wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. The only problem is you have to have a full bladder before they will do the transfer and after you have to lay there for at least a half hour. I lasted about twenty five minutes before I felt like I was going to scream.

My lovely cousin and friend came with me because Dan had a doctors appointment of his own that he couldn't miss so after the transfer we came back to my house and just laid in bed watching TV and playing with their kids. It's always great to have a good support system. I'm on bed rest for the first 24 hours and then limited activity for three days. My doctor even gave me an ultrasound picture of the embryos in my uterus which I think is pretty awesome.

Now I get to wait until the 22nd to get a blood test to see if they stuck.

Fertilization Report

So my doctors office called me around noon to tell me that out of the ten eggs they got five fertilized. I'm very happy with that number. She told me that four weren't mature enough meaning they weren't big enough and that one other one starting to fertilized but stopped growing. As of right now I go in on Thursday for a 3-day transfer.

After the transfer I'm on bed rest to let the little ones get settled into their new home for the next nine months. So Thursday-Saturday I get to lay around watch television, read some books and that's it. Sunday I'm going to see my family, have a nice dinner and great conversation.

I will post more once I have the transfer on Thursday.

Egg Retrieval & Thinking I Was In Miami?

I had my egg retrieval today and it wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. Dan and I got there around 10:30 gave them everything that they needed and we just hung out for a few. My nurse finally called me back into the room around 10:50, I got undressed we went over a few things and then the anesthesiologist came to give me my IV. As he was doing all this we were making small talk just so that my nerves weren't all over the place. He got the IV in, my doctor came in talked for a little bit and the only thing I remember is my nurse asking me if I was starting to feel a little loopy I said yes and then I was out.

I wake up from this awesome dream where I'm in Miami with Bella sitting on the beach having a cocktail. So I wake up still thinking I'm there and I look around like "Where am I, where's Bella" then I realized I was dreaming. I start talking to my Nurse telling her about my dream.She then goes and gets Dan for me. He comes in I'm still feeling really loopy him and I are talking for a few, my nurse comes back in tells me to try and get dressed so I do that, I get dressed still feeling like I had about 8 Vodka & Cranberries. So finally it hits me to ask how many eggs they were able to get and she tells me ten. I'm like wow that's fantastic.

I really didn't think we'd get ten, I thought eight at the most. Dan and I go home and I go right into bed. He brings me some Gatorade, makes me some soup and I take about a three hour nap. I haven't had a lot of discomfort some mild cramping here and there but nothing terrible. We find out tomorrow how our little eggs are growing and then we will be doing a three or five day embryo transfer. I will post more once I get the report in tomorrow.

The Shot Was Nothing!

I seriously had so much anxiety leading up to the shot. I kept counting it down in my head "Ok, I have three more hours before the shot", "Ok I have two more hours before the shot." I think because Dan was so nervous about it that it was making me more nervous. So 10:56 rolls around and Dan looks at me and says "Let's do this" I was ready. I put my game face on and was ready to conquer the world.

I mix what needed to be mixed, switched out the needles, rolled down my pants, put all my weight on my left leg and just as I was gripping the counter waiting for the shot Dan yells "Ohhhhh we forgot to ice you!" I get completely annoyed by this. I was like just do the shot forget the ice, the ice doesn't matter but no we ice my butt for a good two minutes I tell him to just do it. I get into the position again and BAM the needles goes in and I hardly feel it. I'm telling Dan over my shoulder to make sure he pulls the plunger out a little bit to check to see if there is any blood he does that and nothing so I tell him to push that medicine in. It goes in, he pulls out the needle and it's over before I even knew it.

He really did a great job, I think he was more nervous than I was. He was actually sweating by the time the whole process was over. After he was done he was rubbing the area and I was comforting him telling him what a good job he did. I stopped and said "Wait a minute shouldn't you be telling me that, shouldn't you be saying what a great job I've been doing" He was like yea but you know how I feel about needles. Which is the truth, he can't even watch anything to do with needles on T.V. let alone give me a shot. But, he did step up and did what needed to be done so for that I love him dearly.

Egg Retrieval?!? How Did We Get Here?

So my egg retrieval will be Monday at 11am. I can't believe how quickly this all happened. I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound and some blood work and it came back that my levels were good and I have about 8 follicles that will be fertilized and the best three put back into my uterus. I'm really excited and nervous because I've never been put to sleep. This isn't a deep sedation it's more of a twilight which is fine with me. The whole process should take about twenty minutes or so. Dan has to come with me because obviously I won't be able to drive home.

Speaking of Dan, he gets to give me my HCG shot Saturday night right in the butt, well in the upper quadrant. I guess we'll see how well he does.

Follistim & Menopur

So I started my stimulation meds today. Follistim I had no problem with since I've taken it in the past. Menopur is a new one for me. I gotta admit it was really easy to mix everything and looking at the needle I thought no problem I can handle this. I cleaned a part of my stomach, squeezed it as hard as I could went to put the needle it and to my surprise it really fucking hurt. I was so shocked at the pain that I actually stood there for a minute without injecting myself with the meds. Finally I snapped out of it and pushed the plunger in and felt the liquid go into my stomach. Not a great feeling. Dan stood by watching the whole ordeal and all he kept asking was "does it hurt, does it hurt" of course it fucking hurts. I'm sticking myself with a goddamn needle.

I probably could have broke down and cried right then but I didn't. I just took a deep breath and said to myself that I could do this, that it's all worth it in the end. Which is the truth. It is worth it in the end but that doesn't mean at that moment in time I wasn't hating life. I'm still feeling really positive about this cycle. I go back to the doctor on Monday for another ultrasound and blood work and they will either tell me to up my dosage or keep it the same.

Hopefully everything is on track so we can just keep this process going.

Let The Stimulation Begin

So I went to the doctor today and everything looks good to start the stim meds. I have to take two different drugs called Follistim and Menopur. I start them on Friday with 150 units for both. I then have to go back on Monday for another ultrasound and blood work to see how my body is reacting to the drugs. I still can't believe how fast this is all happening. I'm really excited to see what our end result will be.

Also there is only 14 more hours until I turn 30. When did that happen? I can remember turning 18 thinking I couldn't wait until I was 21 then turning 21 and never wanting to be any older but now that I'm going to be 30 I think it won't be so bad. Last weekend I had a spa day and lunch with some friends and family and I remember sitting back looking at the table of women before me thinking if this is what 30 will be like I'm completely okay with it.

On a bad note we're suppose to have a tons of snow tomorrow into Friday. I'm going to try and not let it ruin my good mood.

Why Yes, I Did Get My Period.

I don't think I've ever been this happy to get something that I've spent so much time praying wouldn't come. This just means we are that much closer in hoping IVF gives us our baby. I call my doctor tomorrow and will set up an appointment for three days later to have blood work done. If the blood work comes back that everything is on the up and up we will start the stimulation medicine on the 25th. I will post more once I speak with my doctors office.

Just Checking In

So nothing much has been going on. I'm so very happy to report that I only had the headache that one day and that was it. I've been on Lupron for the last five days and have had no side effects since that first headache so right now we are just coasting until I start the stimulation meds.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. My birthday is coming up so my best girlfriends/cousins are getting together for a spa day and a great lunch. I have been looking forward to a massage since we first started talking about it well over a month ago. My lower back will thank me

Shut The F*ck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The F*cking Face Volume 2

In the first volume of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face, I discussed the importance of time management. Reading it back, I have decided that I am unhappy with the use of the word volume. A more proper word, in my esteemed opinion, is installment. However, I cannot change Volume 2 to Installment 2 because Volume 1 must remain Volume 1. Due to my compulsive need for this to match up. I simply cannot have the words installment and volume scattered about in the same series. I fully understand that I have the ability to go back and edit the first installment of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face. Replacing Volume 1 with Installment 1 would be really easy but, I am fucking lazy. I don't feel like taking 30 fucking seconds out of my day to make that correction, which raises the next topic.

It could be said that laziness is a plague on society. It is a plague of which I, begrudgingly admit, sometimes suffer from. Laziness can be split into two categories. The first category is Sporadic Laziness. I feel that this type best describes me. I feel that after a full five day work week , working at work, working at home, working on shit on Saturday afternoons and drinking on Saturday evenings entitles me to a bit of laziness on fucking Sunday. If you too fall under the category of Sporadic Laziness, and you find that others often bust your balls about lounging around one day out of the fucking week in your fucking panties, then do what I do. Say, "Fuck off, you fucking fuck." Don't stand for their incessant whining. Don't allow them to bark orders at you. Crack open a beer, pour yourself some scotch or whatever the fuck it is that you like and say, "Hey, bitch face, get the fuck out of my face before I punch you in the fucking kidney"

The second category of laziness is Chronic Lack of Motivation, also knows as Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker Syndrome. Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker Syndrome can and does directly coincide with lack of time management skills. If you can recall, I stated in the previous installment of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face that tardiness and absenteeism are harshly frowned upon. When my plans get postponed or cancelled due to Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker Syndrome, heads start rolling. Horse Heads. Peoples Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. I'm totally "Queen Of Heart" like that.

The characteristics of category two laziness is as followed:

-You are too un-fucking-motived to scratch your own ass.

Reading back, I noticed that in the second paragraph, I implied that I am only lazy one day out of the week that day, being Sunday. In the first paragraph, I stated that I am too lazy to go back and replace Volume 1 for Installment 1, which blatantly disprove my statement in the second paragraph, for today is not Sunday, but Saturday. I am making a mention of this because I know some asshole is going read this and say "Hey she's a fucking liar" to which I would have to say "Fuck you. Who's blog is this?" And then a juvenile war of words would ensue, which I would ultimately claim victory.

Things That Make Me Happy

• Doing everything with flair and a sense of fantasy
• Waking up naturally (no alarm)
• Irish soda on St. Patrick's Day
• A big bag of Hershey's Kisses
• Taking piano lessons and never practicing
• Infatuation
• The Sundance Film Festival
• Spas
• Playing your cards right
• Boeing 727s and 747s
• The one person you dress up for
• Men's cashmere V-necks
• The Parker House Hotel in Boston
• Open-minded uncertainty
• Earth-toned, rustic linens for warmth in fall or winter
• Saying yes
• The ring of the telephone
• Seedless grapes in sour cream and brown sugar
• Making love
• People who understand there's a lot to you
• Pomegranates
• American Express cards
• Snowboarding in Maine
• Fleet Street, London
• Peru's Machu Picchu
• Someone loving the smell of your skin
• Boccie Balls
• The retort "Don't make me laugh"
• Uproarious laughter that must be forcibly stopped due to its inappropriateness in a situation
• Bangs
• The silence of close friendship
• Fantod=nervous movements
• Caller ID
• Writing the phone number from the answering machine message correctly in just one listen
• A really good hamburger
• An irresistible party mood
• Chocolate milkshakes
• Speeding through caution lights
• Having someone make you laugh when things are tough
• Fall fashions
• The position of your head as you bite into a taco
• Being rowdy
• Standing out in a crowd
• A smile you wear all over
• Acting goofy
• Pick-me-ups
• Thai food
• Playing poker
• No turning back situations
• Tattoos
• Startling clarity at 4am
• Creme Brulee

A Girls Prayer

Shall We Pray...

Armani

Which art in Nordstrom

Hallowed be thy shoes.

Thy Prada come

Thy shopping done

On Rodeo

As it is in Paris

Give us this day, our Visa Gold,

And forgive us our balances

As we forgive those who charge us interest.

Lead us not into Penney's

And deliver us from Sears.

For this is the Chanel, Gaultier, Dior, Gucci, Hermes, Louis Vuitton,

And

The Versace...

For Dolce and Gabbana....Amex

First Lupron Shot Down,Tons To Go

So I took my first shot this morning. It wasn't bad at all, I didn't even feel it to be honest which is great since I will have to take 1,000,000,000,000 more shots in the next month. I've tried to stay away from reading what the side effects will be because honestly I'm the type of person that the minute I read/hear someone say something about a certain medicine I'm taking I automatically get that symptom. Like I read that Lupron gives you headaches I now feel like I'm starting to get a headache. It could very well be from the meds but I just think I had a headache to begin with. I guess I will see over the next few days if I have any symptoms.

Injection Class and Protocol

My injection class was great. I'm so happy I only have one needle that's huge and I only have to do it once, other than that we are ready to go. I finally got my protocol and here's what we are working with:

2/12- Blood work to see if I ovulated

2/13- Start Lupron. Lupron acts by suppressing the pituitary gland which is normally responsible for triggering ovulation.

2/22- Period should arrive.

2/25-Call office for an appointment for blood work and start stimulation meds.

3/6- Start antibiotics

3/6- Take HCG Shot

3/8- Egg Retrieval

3/8- Start Progesterone

3/9- Fertilization Report

3/12-Embryo Transfer

3/19- Blood work to check Progesterone

3/25- Blood test to check for pregnancy

Wow!

I can't believe we are finally here. I finally feel like this is really happening. We've waited so long for this and now that it's here I can't believe it. Now just for the blood work on Friday and we are on our way.

Another Snow Storm

Really, again with this shit. We got over two feet of snow. I don't think I can take any more snow storms this year.

I'm ready to pack up and call it quits. I'm thinking somewhere warmish like Arizona. I can deal with Arizona yea it may be a little hot during the summer but I'll take hot over this bullshit any day.
I can't believe that spring is one month and two weeks away (not like I'm counting or anything) I'm so ready for the warmer weather.

Your Baby Can Read!

I love those fucking commercials, I mean it makes me want to go and buy this shit and I don't even have any kids yet. I've read some reviews on it and it seems like a lot of people are against it. "Let your child develop naturally" is what everyone is saying but fuck it. If parents want their kid to learn/memorize then by all means it's their business and their child. I just really enjoy the commercials.

Anyway, I really want to share one of my favorite websites. It's call Anti Duckface. It's seriously hands down the funniest fucking website I've seen in a long time. It makes fun of guys/girls making that god awful kissy face people do in pictures. You can check it out at www.antiduckface.com trust me when I say you will love it.

So I think my weekend plans are going to be completely messed up. We are suppose to have another huge snow storm Friday into Saturday and if it's anything like the last one my ass will be stuck inside for the whole weekend and we all know how that makes me feel. I don't even want to think about it right now or else I'll just be in a pissy mood before I go to sleep.

Speaking of sleep I love love love love love love love Tylenol for making Simply Sleep. It knocks me out without feeling like I have a hangover the next morning. I also love the feeling you get right before you fall asleep. For me I start to get all giddy and silly. That's how I know it's time to go to bed and that's exactly where I'm headed.

I'm Ready For My Fix

Holy fuck is the first thing I thought about when I saw this.

My second thought was I can't do this, that it's so overwhelming. All the meds you have to take, when to take them, how much you have to take. It's a lot to deal with. Thank God I have a great doctor/ nurses and also a great support system from my family and friends. I really don't know what I would do without them.

I gotta admit though, the needles scare the fuck out of me. They are huge, I can deal with needles in my stomach but when you pull a needle out and its the length of your finger you kinda wanna throw up. I'm really very hopefully about this whole procedure. I know IVF works and I know it will work for me.

Now for the injection class on the 9th and we are ready to go.

SHG Done!

So I had my SHG done today and everything was all clear! I'm so beyond excited about it. This was the last test before I start IVF. I have to go back to my doctors on the 9th for an injection class and then again on the 11th to get some blood work done and if my blood work comes back that I ovulated I start my first IVF cycle. I can't believe it's finally here, I feel like I've been waiting forever for this time to be here and now that it is I feel like a kid on Christmas.

Dan actually came with me to the doctor today which I'm really glad he was there. It means a lot to me that he was supporting me through the test. Afterward we spoke with my IVF coordinator, signed the paper work and handed over that lovely check and now we are on our way. The only thing left to do is get my protocol about how much drugs I should take and when and thats it. I will post more when I get my protocol.

I'm Sick..

I hate being sick, I turn into such a whiney little bitch when I'm sick. I have a head cold which I'm sure is going to turn into something else and completely fuck my weekend up. I normally will get sick once or twice a year if that so I'm assuming this is my time to get sick.

It also doesn't help that I was half naked for about three hours on Sunday. I had my cousin who is a photographer take some boudoir photos of me for Dan for V-Day since we normally don't do anything crazy. I figured I would do something a little crazy and a little sexy since we've both been under some stress and whatnot. I'm sure he will love them.

My SHG is scheduled for Monday and I could not be happier. I'm really looking forward to getting this show on the road even though the time did fly by. I can not believe it's going to be February already, I remember writing back in November at how February seemed like a long time away and bam here we are. Now we just have to cough up the money and start this whole IVF process but for now I will just cross my fingers and hope the SHG comes back fine.

Vacation Plans Have Changed..Again

So instead of going to Mexico we are headed to Florida!

I'm really excited about it actually. After talking to Dan about it we both decided that Florida would be a better option. Seeing as how our upcoming IVF cycle is just around the corner we didn't want to take the chance of going to Mexico and have something happen. We decided on Siesta Key, it's on the gulf coast so the water is just like Mexico. We found a pet friendly hotel so that we can take Bella along so we don't have to board her for the week.

Tonight is also Bella's first training course which I'm so happy for. I told Dan that if she wasn't properly trained there is no way we can take her on vacation with us but I think she will do just fine. I'll write tomorrow about how the training went. For now it's off to do laundry.

Shopping Makes Me Happy.

It really does. I can be in the worst mood and the minute I step foot into a mall I feel completely better. I love new things but again who doesn't right? I think my love of shopping can at times be over the top. I sometimes will buy something just to buy it, get it home and be like what the fuck am I suppose to do with this. I'm not a "let's shop the clearance rack" kinda person I'm sure that you can find some good deals if you take the time to sort through all the bullshit but who wants that? I'd rather pay full price for something I love and want that very moment.

I've never been much of a bargain shopper. If I see a price I just pay it. I never try to get something for less. Honestly I just don't really want to bother. I'd rather pay whatever the cost and be on my way. Perfect example, I was at the doctors office paying my co-pay and the receptionist said it was $150 because I bounced a check. Not thinking anything of it I pulled out my debit card and paid for it. Come to find out I paid for the person standing behind me co-pay and past due amount. The doctors office called me later that day to inform me of the mistake and I was just like oh really? I had no clue.

I think that's why I give the best gifts because I don't care how much something costs. If I know Dan wants something I will do everything I can to get it no matter the cost. People will then be like wow you paid that much for that, you should have went here or went there and got it cheaper but I don't care I paid what I paid and he's happy and that's all that matters. I guess that's why shopping makes me happy because I know that I'm getting what I want and if I want to overpay for something that's my own decision.

Helllllooooooo Mexico

So Dan and I were talking today and we decided we are going to go back to Mexico. The last time we were there was about two years ago and we had an okay time. We had a connecting flight to and from and we almost missed them both, the food was bland and shitty.
You must be asking yourself why are we going back then. The reason, it's cheap. For the two of us for five days is fifteen hundred and that's for an all inclusive. We are actually going to go to Cancun instead of Cozumel. Now before you say that it's a shitty place, only younger people go there to party and get laid let me just say that Cancun has come a long way. Yes there are still tons of shitty hotels and drunken assholes but for the most part Cancun has really cleaned up. We are staying at the Gran Caribe Real Resort & Spa.



I can't wait to sit my ass on the beach and just relax. Of course this all depends on if I'm knocked up or not. I don't know how I would feel being pregnant and flying. I know that you can I just don't know if I'd want to. For now I'm just going to be happy that we are going on vacation since I didn't think we'd be able too.

Thank God That's Over

Ok so I gotta admit. I'm so fucking beyond happy the holidays are over. I actually wanted to go to bed yesterday before the ball dropped just to get it over with but Dan made me stay up. At 12:01 I was in bed though. I'm normally not the type of person to rush the days, weeks, months by but since I have so much coming up I just want it all to start happening not now but right now.

I seriously have happy feet thinking about the upcoming months. First starts my birthday celebration with the best group of girls that I could ever ask for. It's mani's, pedi's, massages followed by drinks and some drunken shenanigans that I'm sure we will all be laughing about for months to come. Followed by a surprise birthday outing by my lovely husband. Last but certainly not least is the start of my IVF cycle.

Since it's the start of the new year I tried to think of what my resolution would be. I didn't do your typical "I'm going to lose weight" resolution because lets face it by February that shit is out the window because you're stuffing your face with a big mac and fries. My resolution is to cook more, eat out less. I'm a huge foodie. I love all kinds of food but honestly since I started eating organic I do feel bad if I don't stick to it. So I decided that I will just have to cook more at home. I have the time, the supermarket is five minutes from my house there is no reason why I shouldn't do it.

So tonight will be my first night of cooking at home, normally on a Friday we either order out or go out to eat but not anymore. Tonight I'm putting my skills to good use and see what happens. Hopefully I don't burn down the kitchen.