Hello Again

So here we are...

I figured I would start to blog again seeing as how we will be moving forward with another IVF come August. I really haven't felt the need to blog about our journey since we haven't done anything for almost a year. Actually August will be one year since our last IVF and we all know how that ended. Over the last few months I've been on the fence about IVF. I have inner turmoil about it to be honest. I want to do it, I don't, I do, I don't. It sometimes feels like a never ending battle between my head and heart. I feel I'm in a better place now then I was a year ago. I feel like so many things have changed. I've lost 30 pounds, I have a great job, Dan and I's marriage is better than it has ever been, and the biggest one of all is we switched doctors.

I feel that my new doctor can get me what I want, I know that sounds kind of I don't know weird to phrase it that way but I'm looking at getting pregnant as a business. They are selling a service that I am buying so my attitude now is "it's nothing personal it's business." That's what I told my old doctor when I informed him I was leaving his practice. I needed to get a second opinion, if I didn't I would have just sat there and wondered "what if" I hate what ifs. I didn't want to go through another cycle with my old RE and wonder if someone else could have done something different and then God forbid it didn't work I would have kicked myself in the ass for not seeing someone new. The new place is far from our house (about 40 minutes) but you have to do what you have to do. I think I can deal with getting up an hour earlier if the end result is a beautiful baby.

I am also going to try new methods of relaxing, I've purchased some meditation cd's that are geared towards IVF, I've also cut out all the drama in my life. I let go of a lot of feelings that were bringing me down about past friendships, relationships and just bad feelings in general. I'm really going to try to be as positive as I can about this new cycle. I figure new me, new doctor, new attitude.

Dan and I are also taking a vacation. Next week we will be in sunny Mexico for five lovely days. Our anniversary is next Wednesday and we both wanted to get away and relax so we are headed back to Mexico. I really couldn't be happier with where we are right now as a couple. We talked about going through IVF again and I said to him that he needs to be apart of the cycle 100%. Last cycle, I will admit it was all me. I was going to the doctor myself, doing the shots myself (not that I would want him to give them to me anyway) but you get my point. I felt that I was going through it alone and that was a really shitty feeling. This time around I know he will be there 150%, does he get how it feels to go through what I go through, no. He does however understand now how emotionally taxing it is on me. That if I'm in a bad/sad/happy/angry/loving mood it really all depends on the medicine and how I'm feeling on that day.

I feel that this cycle will be...dare I say it. The cycle.

I feel it, I feel it deep down. I feel that I've "paid my dues" and now it's my turn.