I Feel Like There Is A Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I'm feeling much better. I allowed myself a few days to be completely and utterly miserable and now I'm ready to start this process all over again. We are actually going to take April and May off from any IVF treatments to just allow myself and my hormones to get back to normal. We will be trying on our own and who knows weirder things have happened right?

Also, another reason for the break is because we have a wedding coming up at the end of April and also Dan's birthday is in April so we will be going to Atlantic City with our friends for a few days. If we did any sort of IVF stuff we would have to work around that and to be honest I'm crazy happy I'm going to have almost two whole months without needles or any drugs.

I know that IVF will work for us, unfortunately it's just taking a little longer than expected but don't good things come to those who wait?

I'm Miserable

I'm disappointed, hurt, sad, angry. Any emotion you can think of really.

I cry at the drop of a hat, Dan doesn't really know how to deal with how I'm feeling. I can't even describe how I'm feeling to be honest, I feel like my heart is broken or you just broke up with someone or you didn't get that job/house/car you really wanted. I feel like I need a break from my life for a few days. You know it's bad when shopping doesn't even make me happy.

How do you still have faith after something like this? Or how do you stay positive when the next cycle of meds start? These are questions I've been asking everyone over the past few days and I keep getting the same answer "just don't give up, it will happen for you." I believe that, but this has really taken a toll on me.

The Journey Continues

So I'm not pregnant.

I really don't know any other way to put it.

I went this morning for my blood work and it came back negative, when my nurse called I already knew it wasn't positive because I went online and checked my lab work. What happens now is I have to wait until I get my period then I will go in and speak to my doctor about my last cycle. Go over my blood work and ultrasounds, we will then discuss what we will do next cycle to make it a successful one. Not that this cycle wasn't successful it was in terms of me responding well the medicine but that's about it.

I just found this website called "999 Reasons To Laugh At Infertility" and I came across this post called "A Letter To Your Unborn Baby" and I have to admit it completely states how I feel:

Dear Baby,

As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head. Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? What if I accidentally squirted you out into the toilet bowl? Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real. I’ve been a bad mother already – having the occasional drink and missing a Folic Acid pill or two (or three). I’m sorry I’ve turned your nursery into my beautiful walk-in closest but I had no where to put all of those shoes. Daddy really wants you to come too so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage. After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.

You are worth the wait.

With love, your parents

So that's all I have for now. I will post more in a few days

I'm Feeling Pretty Down

I gotta admit. I feel like it didn't work. People have asked why I feel this way and I guess the only thing I can say is I have no symptoms. Zero. Nada.

Now granted I technically would only be 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I'm not quite sure how many symptoms one would have at this point in time but I'd like something. When I hear about people who are pregnant it's always "I just knew it, my boobs were killing me." My boobs don't hurt at all. At times I feel hopeful about the whole process but I can't help but to listen to that small voice in the back of my head that is saying this whole thing was a bust. My blood test is on the 22nd and the only thing I can do until then is wait and try to stay positive.

Embryo Transfer

So I had my ET this morning and so far so good. We transferred three lovely embryos back into my uterus this morning. The whole procedure wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. The only problem is you have to have a full bladder before they will do the transfer and after you have to lay there for at least a half hour. I lasted about twenty five minutes before I felt like I was going to scream.

My lovely cousin and friend came with me because Dan had a doctors appointment of his own that he couldn't miss so after the transfer we came back to my house and just laid in bed watching TV and playing with their kids. It's always great to have a good support system. I'm on bed rest for the first 24 hours and then limited activity for three days. My doctor even gave me an ultrasound picture of the embryos in my uterus which I think is pretty awesome.

Now I get to wait until the 22nd to get a blood test to see if they stuck.

Fertilization Report

So my doctors office called me around noon to tell me that out of the ten eggs they got five fertilized. I'm very happy with that number. She told me that four weren't mature enough meaning they weren't big enough and that one other one starting to fertilized but stopped growing. As of right now I go in on Thursday for a 3-day transfer.

After the transfer I'm on bed rest to let the little ones get settled into their new home for the next nine months. So Thursday-Saturday I get to lay around watch television, read some books and that's it. Sunday I'm going to see my family, have a nice dinner and great conversation.

I will post more once I have the transfer on Thursday.

Egg Retrieval & Thinking I Was In Miami?

I had my egg retrieval today and it wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. Dan and I got there around 10:30 gave them everything that they needed and we just hung out for a few. My nurse finally called me back into the room around 10:50, I got undressed we went over a few things and then the anesthesiologist came to give me my IV. As he was doing all this we were making small talk just so that my nerves weren't all over the place. He got the IV in, my doctor came in talked for a little bit and the only thing I remember is my nurse asking me if I was starting to feel a little loopy I said yes and then I was out.

I wake up from this awesome dream where I'm in Miami with Bella sitting on the beach having a cocktail. So I wake up still thinking I'm there and I look around like "Where am I, where's Bella" then I realized I was dreaming. I start talking to my Nurse telling her about my dream.She then goes and gets Dan for me. He comes in I'm still feeling really loopy him and I are talking for a few, my nurse comes back in tells me to try and get dressed so I do that, I get dressed still feeling like I had about 8 Vodka & Cranberries. So finally it hits me to ask how many eggs they were able to get and she tells me ten. I'm like wow that's fantastic.

I really didn't think we'd get ten, I thought eight at the most. Dan and I go home and I go right into bed. He brings me some Gatorade, makes me some soup and I take about a three hour nap. I haven't had a lot of discomfort some mild cramping here and there but nothing terrible. We find out tomorrow how our little eggs are growing and then we will be doing a three or five day embryo transfer. I will post more once I get the report in tomorrow.

The Shot Was Nothing!

I seriously had so much anxiety leading up to the shot. I kept counting it down in my head "Ok, I have three more hours before the shot", "Ok I have two more hours before the shot." I think because Dan was so nervous about it that it was making me more nervous. So 10:56 rolls around and Dan looks at me and says "Let's do this" I was ready. I put my game face on and was ready to conquer the world.

I mix what needed to be mixed, switched out the needles, rolled down my pants, put all my weight on my left leg and just as I was gripping the counter waiting for the shot Dan yells "Ohhhhh we forgot to ice you!" I get completely annoyed by this. I was like just do the shot forget the ice, the ice doesn't matter but no we ice my butt for a good two minutes I tell him to just do it. I get into the position again and BAM the needles goes in and I hardly feel it. I'm telling Dan over my shoulder to make sure he pulls the plunger out a little bit to check to see if there is any blood he does that and nothing so I tell him to push that medicine in. It goes in, he pulls out the needle and it's over before I even knew it.

He really did a great job, I think he was more nervous than I was. He was actually sweating by the time the whole process was over. After he was done he was rubbing the area and I was comforting him telling him what a good job he did. I stopped and said "Wait a minute shouldn't you be telling me that, shouldn't you be saying what a great job I've been doing" He was like yea but you know how I feel about needles. Which is the truth, he can't even watch anything to do with needles on T.V. let alone give me a shot. But, he did step up and did what needed to be done so for that I love him dearly.

Egg Retrieval?!? How Did We Get Here?

So my egg retrieval will be Monday at 11am. I can't believe how quickly this all happened. I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound and some blood work and it came back that my levels were good and I have about 8 follicles that will be fertilized and the best three put back into my uterus. I'm really excited and nervous because I've never been put to sleep. This isn't a deep sedation it's more of a twilight which is fine with me. The whole process should take about twenty minutes or so. Dan has to come with me because obviously I won't be able to drive home.

Speaking of Dan, he gets to give me my HCG shot Saturday night right in the butt, well in the upper quadrant. I guess we'll see how well he does.